Sing for Absolution
by misterjones
Summary: Songfic for Muse - Sing for Absolution, Tim evaluates his thoughts following the death of Kate. Pre-slash Tony/Tim.


**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the characters on NCIS, or the show itself. Just getting some thoughts out of my head and onto "paper".

Author's Note: This is the first story I have written in over eight years.. please, be gentle, but know that constructive criticism is well appreciated!! Onto the story..

Even as Tim's ears perceived the shot, his heart skipped a beat. He knew as soon as the single shot sounded, after the haze of gunfire only moments earlier. He felt the loss in his gut, for the first time wishing that he were wrong. He'd always taken a silent pride when his gut reactions turned out to be correct, but he felt as though he would give back every moment of pride for one more with his teammate.

_Lips are turning blue_

_A kiss that can't renew_

_I only dream of you_

_My beautiful_

As Tim rounded the corner on the roof to where he knew his team would be, he felt his hands trembling in trepidation at the sight that would greet his eyes. He took a sharp intake of breath as he approached and noticed that both Gibbs and Tony were crouched around a body. Kate. Immediately his brain went into a tailspin of grief and guilt.

He forced his mind and body to run on autopilot so that they could catch Ari. As the hours sped by for them, the other agencies seemed to hold out little hope in Gibbs' ability to approach the situation rationally. It seemed to Tim that his teammates were the only ones who believed that the supposed Mossad double agent, Ari Haswari, had been behind the death of Special Agent Caitlin Todd.

Tiptoe to your room

_A starlight in the gloom_

_I only dream of you_

And you never knew

It wasn't that Tim didn't want to see Kate; he had taken many elevator trips down to Autopsy. It was just that he could never bring himself to get off of the elevator and walk in to see her lifeless body on a slab of cold metal. It shouldn't have been Kate in there. He knew that now. It should have been him. If that terrorist hadn't started shooting at him, he would have never moved for cover and to shoot back. Ari wouldn't have missed with his first shot, and taken out his computer with his next. If he had managed to hit Tim, would he have stopped? Would Kate have been spared? Would the bastard have attempted to take out Abby?

Tim was still a probie in many ways; he had never felt as though he had as much to offer to the team as the others. No one could lead quite like Gibbs and his gut. Abby may not have had as much computer knowledge, but she was close. Not to mention better with forensics than most people could ever dream of being. Ducky had a way of gently extracting secrets from the dead that often proved invaluable. Kate's profiling skills had closed more cases than his computer skills. Even Tony's backwards logic and unorthodox ways had saved all of their lives on more than one occasion, not to mention his expertise as a crime scene sketch expert.

Tony. Tim still remembered the sense of dread he felt as he climbed up to the roof that day. He felt the guilt in the same instant he sighed in relief to see Tony still standing. Still alive. Still breathing. Tim had looked up to Tony from the first day they met, when Tim became nauseous at his first real crime scene, and Tony had calmed him down a bit. Tony's weak jibes when Tim had been about to take Abby out for lunch struck Tim in a way he hadn't understood at the time. Over the last year he had grown to understand that although Tony played the careless playboy constantly getting in digs at his coworkers part well, he really did care for his teammates and didn't want to see any of them hurt if he could help it. And when Abby pulled back and let Tim know she wasn't interested in a serious relationship, Tim noticed that Tony had been a little nicer to him the next few days while he worked through his thoughts and got a handle on his hurt.

Sing for absolution

_I will be singing_

_Falling from your grace_

It was then that Tim started to really look at Tony as more than just the smart ass Senior Field Agent. He made it a point to observe as much about Tony as he possibly could so that he could reconstruct his original personalization of his coworker. He had started by observing the dynamic between Tony and Gibbs. After all, Gibbs had been working with Tony for over two years and knew him better than anyone else on the team. Tim had always assumed that Gibbs treated everyone the same, except for Abby and Kate, but no one could deny Gibbs chauvinistic side, not even the man himself. Ducky was a different case all together because Tim realized you couldn't have worked with another person closely for over a decade and not have some level of familiarity with them.

But Tim noticed the way Gibbs approached Tony and realized that, too, was different. On the surface, Gibbs seemed to slap Tony whenever he did something stupid, which admittedly, was rather frequent. As Tim started paying attention, he noticed that many times, it was a way to reassure DiNozzo that he wasn't forgotten about. Gibbs also understood when Tony needed reassurance that he was valued. Tim was baffled by the fact that Tony could be insecure in any way. Prior to NCIS, the man was an experienced cop, having worked in different cities and settings. Tony was well aware of how attractive he was, so he really had no right to be insecure about his looks; especially if the parade of women in and out of his life and bedroom was anything to judge by.

No, after several months of observing, Tim suspected that Tony's insecurities lie within the fear of people getting close enough to hurt him. Any idiot could tell by the way his eyes sort of closed off and he became slightly untrusting of anyone in close proximity when the subject of family came up. Tony seemed to have some unresolved issues with his father. It had burned Tim up the first time he saw Tony shudder when thinking of the man who had raised him. What sort of relationship could cause a grown man as strong as Tony to react like that? Family was supposed to be the people you could turn to when others hurt you, they were supposed to help you heal, not send you running away from city to city any time someone got too close. Tim had noticed he felt an irrational urge to hurt anyone who had hurt Tony.

There's nowhere left to hide

_In no one to confide_

_The truth runs deep inside_

And will never die

Tim had recognized the attraction almost instantly. His brain had probably processed it even faster than he chose to acknowledge it. Tim was proud, and admittedly a little cocky, about his tenure at MIT. He had gained a lot of knowledge there and whenever he could contribute to the team, he reveled in the feeling. He was surprised when Gibbs had mentioned to the team that Tim had also attended Johns Hopkins. It wasn't exactly a secret, but it still made Tim uncomfortable. He remembered with vivid clarity his time at Hopkins. Having always been a geek, he was very open to anyone and anything. He could never bring himself to discriminate against others the way he had been throughout his years simply for his intelligence. As Tim saw it, being smart wasn't exactly something you could help any more than having an affinity towards the same sex, or a different race or even a fetish for leather. During MIT, Tim had learned to accept each person he met for what they were, regardless of whether he had differing views or not.

He had approached Johns Hopkins much the same way, so while he was surprised when his dreams involved his roommate in varying degrees of dress, he wasn't overly bothered by it. Scott had been an intelligent man and they had several conversations lasting into the wee hours of the morning that first semester. Tim had felt a connection with Scott and so, after finals were over that first semester, he felt the need to finish off the relieved, celebratory hug with a kiss. He could never forget how instantly Scott froze and pulled away. He wasn't surprised next semester when Scott had apparently decided to rent an apartment off campus and switched to a different time for the class they had decided to take together. After that, Tim tried to ignore the feelings he may have had for any men over the next few years, if for nothing more than out of self-preservation.

The attraction Tim felt to Tony was strong, but Tim was able to downplay it almost completely. He'd caught glances from Abby and cursed her perceptiveness but never acknowledged it for what it was. Although, he did take solace in the smile she would give him afterwards, as if letting him know that she accepted it and was there if he ever needed to talk. The thing that bothered Tim the most was that it wasn't just a physical attraction. He had to remind himself to keep from defending Tony when his and Kate's bickering took a sour turn. He found himself resenting Gibbs whenever he seemed to smack Tony's head just a little too hard. Tim had a younger sister, he knew he'd always been a bit over protective, but it was somehow different with Tony.

Lips are turning blue

_A kiss that can't renew_

_I only dream of you_

My beautiful

Tim had been thinking about Kate and how guilty he felt for feeling a small sense of relief that he at least hadn't lost Tony. The days following her death had been a complete sensory overload for Tim. He found himself fantasizing about Kate and hovering around Abby. In his mind, he knew it was just a defense mechanism to distract him from further dissecting the feelings he would never act on regarding Tony. Regardless, he knew he had to properly say goodbye to Kate.

He had finally decided enough was enough and as the elevator doors opened, he forced his legs to walk through the door to Autopsy and over to where he knew Kate's body would be. As he looked at her blue lips he allowed himself to truly mourn the loss of not only his teammate, but also, he liked to think at least, his friend.

Lips are turning blue

_A kiss that can't renew_

_I only dream of you_

_My beautiful._

Tim couldn't deny the relief he felt sharing the moment with Tony, as he said goodbye to Kate. They had both lost a friend, and while he knew Tony would never let on all the pain he was feeling, they could both provide support for each other during their grief. Maybe not in the way Tim would like to support Tony, but he understood that he would take what he could get. He had no intentions of ever telling Tony how he felt, and as he said goodbye to their fallen friend, he made peace with himself on that matter as well. Tony would, one day, let his guard down and allow some lucky woman to love him in the way he truly deserved. Tim knew that he would stand by and watch Tony happily start a family. He even knew on some level that he might move past his own feelings for Tony and find happiness. Although he also instinctively knew that no one would ever measure up to Anthony DiNozzo in his eyes.

Sing or absolution

_I will be singing_

Falling from your grace

After Ari was brought to justice, Tim lay in bed that night allowing his tears to come. He cried for Kate, who would never get to finish the rest of her promising life. He cried for Gibbs, who would always take on a part of the blame for Kate's death. He cried for Abby and Ducky who would no doubt miss Kate as much as the rest of the team. He cried for Tony, who had lost one of the few people he had allowed some degree of familiarity and friendship. If he was honest with himself, Tim cried his own tears as well. For all of the things that would never come to be.

Sing for absolution

_I will be singing_

Falling from your grace

He almost didn't notice Kate's reappearance in his bedroom at first. She seemed just as surprised when she realized where she was. He just looked up at her as she stood at the foot of his bed, with his tear tracks still wet on his cheeks and apologized. The words stumbled rapidly from his lips as he asked her forgiveness for not dying in her place, for being so relieved that it hadn't been Tony, for not coming to see her sooner and for not getting to know her as well as he would have liked. Somewhere along the line, she told him to shut up. She didn't comment on his apology regarding Tony, or his thoughts that had no doubt been visible to the image of his imagination. She just smiled and told him not to give up hope before she disappeared into the darkness of his room.

Tim didn't sleep very well that night regardless, but he was able to remember all the good times he had with Kate as he placed the rose on her coffin the next morning.

Our wrongs remain unrectified

_And our souls won't be exhumed._


End file.
